How to Say No

The Basics
How to say NO! to anything -- or anyone
Pushy salesmen, relentless kids, mooching friends . . . it's time we learned how to say no. If you can't, you may find your money drained along with your time and emotional energy.

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Among the financial skills we should learn early in life -- but usually don't -- is the ability to say no.

Saying no is essential if we want to stick to a budget, make progress toward our financial goals and protect our credit. Yet we also want to preserve relationships with many of the people, including loved ones, who are trying to get us to say yes.

For help in navigating the minefield, I turned to several experts to create scripts for handling three common situations that call for saying no: When your kids throw a tantrum, when you're dealing for a car and when a friend asks you for money.

One of these experts, Joseph Grenny, provided a general framework for dealing with any situation where you must turn someone down. Grenny, a co-author of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior," recommends the following steps:

Take a minute to think. The person who's making the request (or demand) probably spent a lot of time mulling over all the reasons why you should acquiesce. You, on the other hand, may have been hit out of the blue. You can put up your hand, say "I need a moment" or even walk into another room to collect your thoughts.

Don't make a sucker's choice. In our panic, we may think we have to choose between two bad alternatives: "I have to give her a loan, or she'll never speak to me again!" or "I have to buy this car with add-ons I don't want, or I'll lose a great deal!" (Professional salespeople and practiced mooches are, by the way, experts in backing people into this either/or mind-set.) The reality is that we usually have far more alternatives than we initially think. Taking a moment to consider those, and what we really want out of the situation, can keep us from grabbing a bad choice.

Go public. As soon as you can, tell the other person where you stand. This is also known as "articulating your boundaries," and tells the listener that "you're now driving the conversation," Grenny said. Instead of responding to their arguments, you're setting out what you will and won't do. Most petitioners "will see the answer coming" once you've gone public, and if you stick to your guns will shorten or end their attempts to persuade you. "Don't just say no," Grenny said. "Soften the blow by telling them why." Make it clear that your reasons aren't a personal reflection on the petitioner, but are instead solidly held beliefs.

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Turn the situation around. Here you're encouraging your petitioner to solve his or her own problem, while offering to help in any way that doesn't violate the bottom line you've set out.

Want to see how this works in practice? Here are some examples:

You're asked for a loan or to co-sign for one
You want to say no. You know that if the person were actually creditworthy, he or she would have no trouble getting loans from banks or other lenders.

But how do you refuse without imploding the relationship? By making it "not personal," Grenny said. After you've paused to gather your thoughts, and remembered that you have more options besides giving in or getting taken, you can use any or all of the following to communicate, "it's not you -- it's me":

"Co-signing a loan means putting my credit at risk, and I can't afford to do that."

"My spouse and I have agreed not to lend any more money to family and friends. We've had relationships go sour over money, and we wouldn't want that to happen with you."

"I've got clear financial and relationship boundaries I don't want to cross."

"I'm really not in a financial position to do that right now."

"I don't want to be put in the position of being a collection agent. I know that probably wouldn't happen with you, but I can't take the chance."

Any of these, if said in a calm, neutral voice, communicate that your decision has been made. Then, if appropriate, follow up quickly by asking the petitioner for help in solving his or her own problem. For example:

"How can I help you without putting money at risk I can't afford to lose or putting myself in the role of a collection agent?'

"Is there a way we can help you without lending money or endangering our credit?"

Someone with chronic spending or debt problems may need an appointment with a legitimate credit counselor, for example, and you could recommend an agency affiliated with the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. Someone who wants money for other goals -- a car or an education, perhaps -- could be referred to articles about achieving those goals on MSN Money.

An auto salesperson is pressuring you
Being able to say no -- and mean it -- isn't just helpful when negotiating a car purchase. It's essential, says Philip Reed, consumer advice editor for auto research site Edmunds.com.

"The most effective way of saying no is saying it with your feet" by leaving the dealership when you don't get what you want, said Reed, author of "Strategies for Smart Car Buyers." "Some people say you should leave at least twice" before agreeing to buy a car.

You don't necessarily have to resort to that level of gamesmanship, Reed said, but you should find a salesperson who can take no for an answer.

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Avoid the high pressure approach to car buying. Take your auto shopping on the Web. Click here to play the video.


"Car buying is a very expensive purchase with a lot of moving parts. . . . You need to be comfortable with your salesperson," Reed said. "You don't want someone who, when you say no, says, 'Well, why not?' or 'Didn't I tell you about this or that?' "

Using statements that can't really be argued, like "That's not my taste" or "I just don't want that," can help you fend off an aggressive salesperson, but a better solution is "if you're feeling uncomfortable, find someone else who understands no means no."

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Extensively researching the car you want and arranging financing before you walk onto the lot can help you thwart attempts to sell you more car than you can afford. Being clear and consistent about what you're looking for will help, too, Grenny said, as can enlisting the salesperson to help you solve your problem rather than creating new ones.

"You can say something like, 'I want a year-old car with these features and I want to pay close to low Blue Book,' " Grenny said. " 'I'd also like you to make a reasonable profit. So how do we do that?' "

Negotiating the deal with the salesperson is usually only the first step. Many dealerships will also trot you to a "closer" as well as the "F&I" (financing and insurance) person. These folks may view your agreement with the salesperson as just the starting point for selling you more stuff you don't want.

Be upfront, Reed urged. "Tell them, 'I want to wrap this up as soon as possible. I don't want any after-sell,' " he said. That may short-circuit the sales pitch, or they may trot out a "deal" on the extended warranty or paint protection.

Repeating "I don't want to be rude, but I want to wrap this up," Reed said, should deflate any further attempts. If not -- once again -- say no with your feet. You can say something like, "Wow, this deal is going to be a lot more expensive than I thought. I guess we can't go through with it today." Chances are the pitches will stop.

Your kids are nagging you in a store to buy something
You're trying to get through your list and avoid public tantrums. Your kids spot something they want and start to whine, hoping you'll give in.

A firm no is the only answer, right? Maybe not.

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Like Grenny, money expert Janet Bodnar believes that just saying no is often an ineffective tactic, especially with kids. Far better, she says, to either give them reasons why that can't be debated or to give them a choice to make on their own.

Ideally you'll have time to do little advance planning, said Bodnar, author of "Raising Money Smart Kids" and the more recent "Money Smart Women."

Before heading into a store, tell the kids upfront what kind of shopping trip you're taking. If you're buying a present for a friend's birthday party, for example, tell them that's the goal and that you're not buying for the family on this trip.

If the kids are older -- elementary school or above -- you can suggest that they bring their own money if they think they might want to buy something. (This assumes, of course, your kids have their own money, which most do through gifts and allowances. Bodnar believes in giving kids allowances by the time they're 6 or 7 so they get experience in handling their own money and making choices about it.)

If you're caught flat-footed -- you're in a store you hadn't planned on, or the petitions for stuff take you by surprise -- you can still revert to the family rules.

"You might say, 'We're not buying anything for ourselves today,' or 'If you want to buy that, we can come back later on another trip and you can bring your money,' " Bodnar said. "Don't say 'We'll see.' They'll think, 'If I beg long enough, she'll give in.' "

If the trip is to buy something for your kids, like shoes, set the boundaries upfront about what you'll buy and how much you'll pay. Bodnar's family had a "$50 sneaker rule" -- if the kids wanted sneakers that cost more than $50, they had to pay for the excess out of their own pocket.

If your kids are too young to have their own money, or you don't mind buying them something (just not everything!) during an outing, set the limit in advance.

With preschoolers, for example, Bodnar recommends telling them in advance that they can have one treat and then defining their choices. If you're in a grocery store and don't want them to have a candy bar, for instance, you might say that they can choose among cookies, a new cereal or a frozen treat.

Whatever the age of the child, stick to the rules you laid out in advance. If you give in and buy your kid two treats, or the $100 sneakers, you're sunk. If you hold firm, Bodnar promises, you'll head off a lot of whining down the road.

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Preferred format:
HTMLPlain TextLearn more about newslettersLike any other skill, the ability to say no effectively takes practice. Thinking in advance about the situations you might face and rehearsing your possible responses can help you stick to your guns when the time comes.

"It's a little like martial arts," said Edmunds.com's Reed. "The reason you practice . . . is so that when you're under pressure, it's reflex."

Liz Pulliam Weston's column appears every Monday and Thursday, exclusively on MSN Money. She also answers reader questions in the Your Money message board.

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